UZAIR'S THEORY ON BROMANCES
As a serial bromancer I feel compelled to write on this subject to aware the world of just how joyous and delightful this platonic relation between two men can be. A bromance is defined as a close, non-sexual relationship between two or more heterosexual men. However the word non-sexual is not very definite and there is a lot of leeway. Bros all over are stuck in a world of anarchy – we need to establish some rules and guidelines on Bromance. This isn’t rocket science, all we need is to use some simple heuristics mixed in with some common sense. After all, there is a famous saying that goes “You build a thousand bridges and no one calls you a bridge builder – but if you suck one cock…”
Now I’ve had bromances that have ranged from passionate but short to long lasting and stable where I found my partner in crime for life. The short ones are intense while they last but the intensity tends to fizzle away quickly, unlike romances however they never completely go way.. They just aren’t as passionate as they were initially but men aren’t little bitches so they have the emotional maturity to keep the bromance going long after the honeymoon phase is over.
The other type of bromance is the one where it’s not particularly intense and you see yourself wandering from time to time to other bros but it’s not cheating because you will always have your one partner in crime. This is partly due to the fact that religion hasn’t fully recognized bromances yet and forced bros to monogamy. Nature has been allowed to run its course so if a bro in a committed bromance finds another man he finds fascinating and greatly admires, he is more than free to engage in a bromance with him. When the original partner in crime finds out about this bromance, 9 times out of 9.5, it always leads to a brorgy, in other words they all engage in a bromance. The reason why bromances work so well is because jealously is a female trait and since there are no females involved, there is nothing to worry about!
A bond between two bros engaged in a long term bromance is stronger than a bond between a male and female can ever be. Before you argue some ridiculous crap at me let’s be real for a second. When you bond with a female it’s mostly because you enjoy engaging in sexual activities with her and you just happen to find her personality not annoying. With a bro however, it’s genuine admiration for the man without expecting anything in return. When you admire a bro, it’s because of the things he says and does, not for how he makes you feel or if he treats you well. This is in stark contrast to a typical male/female romance where the intentions behind the scenes aren’t as genuine.
Nevertheless, bromances aren’t all rainbows and sunshine; there is also such a thing as taking it too far. Since no one to this very day has claimed to have the final say in all matters related to bro’s, I’m going to take liberty in saying I have the final say. So without further ado here are the rules of bromances.
1) Both parties have to be male: You can’t have a bromance with a female because that makes no sense. Don’t undermine the hypostatic union between two men because of your twisted morals and sense of the world.
2) It’s only gay if the balls touch: This is a simple heuristic that you can follow if you two feel like you’ve entered uncharted territory in your bromance and are questioning the how far you can take it. However you cannot forget this is a simple heuristic with a similar success rate as “When in doubt, whip it out”. Here are some examples:
Give your bro a handjob: Gay.
Engage in a Dutch rudder: Not gay.
Put lotion on a bro’s back: Not gay.
Grab/slap a bro’s ass: Not gay.
Offer fellatio as a form of barter: Not gay.
Actually perform fellatio: Very gay.
Kiss a bro in any way (unless its cultural to kiss on the cheek): Gay
Talking about your feelings: Gay
Talk about facial creams and fashionable clothes: Not gay.
Accidently grabbing a bro’s crotch: Not gay.
“Accidently” grabbing a bro’s crotch: Maybe gay.
Crossing swords with a bro while engaged in a devils 3-way: Definitely not gay.
As you can see it’s not completely clear cut, but there is about a 50% chance you’re in the clear with this simply rule of thumb.
3) You can’t be jealous of your bros other bromances. Like I mentioned earlier jealously is a female trait so please don’t pollute the bro gene pool.
4) Don’t be in “a relationship with” your bro on Facebook. This is strictly a female move. Bro’s don’t feel the need to announce to the world of their bromance for attention like some members of the opposite sex. We do it for ourselves.
5) If anyone ever calls asking where your bro is: He’s sleeping on your couch passed out and can’t talk right now.
6) When sleeping in the same bed as your bro: It’s pole to pole or hole to hole. No cuddling or any funny business. This is a place where the lines could get very blurry, very fast.
7) When trying to court females: You say yes to everything and anything your bro is saying. Your bro was the first man to land on the moon? Yes. Your bro actually saved 3 children from a car that drove into the river? Yes and he got a medal for it. It’s really that simple
So there you have it; a simple introduction in the world of bromances. Now remember, what’s said in here is pretty much set in stone but just because it’s not written here doesn’t mean that it’s not a rule. Rules can be created on the fly depending on the situation that is presented. Married bro’s do not have to give in their bro card but he has to make sure that he tells his wife that he is committed to the bro life first and foremost but when he isn’t on duty he can give her time and attention.